My son is...AMAZING!

Last night I could not get my little guy to fall asleep so I got my laptop and listened to some music with him laying on my chest. This song from my playlist came on called "Amazing" and I just started listening to the words and crying, not just a tear but the tears, snot, and uncontrollable sobs. Since Seth was born I have been struggling with guilt and for right now I can't say that it still wont haunt me but for the first time I can say with really understanding what I'm saying is "GOD allowed this to happen to my son and to me." I was so mad at God when I found out something could be wrong with Seth, plus what happened to John I could not understand what God was trying to teach me, or my family for that matter. I was mad that I went through two miscarriages and then I have a beautiful baby and he is sick. I was mad that he took Mikes dad right before we had Seth. But in the end this is Gods plan and I had to work through it and it has been a long, hard process. I have to be honest here for a moment which is hard because to me it is admitting that I failed as a parent but for the first few weeks of Seth's life I could not enjoy him and fall in love with him because I was so guilty for getting him sick. For not being able to realize that I had a cold and get myself into the doctor to get myself checked out. I was apologizing to Seth every time I held him, telling him I'm sorry for what I caused him and for the unknown. I would talk with friends and Mike and no matter what I said I could not get them to understand what I was going through and what I was feeling. No matter what they would say to me I still felt it was my fault. I talked with Lisa a lot about all of this stuff and crying and venting about how I was feeling, thinking that would help release the guilt but it never did. She would tell me over and over again how wrong I was but it didn't matter I still felt like I was the worst mom in the world. I wanted to believe her so much I wanted to really feel like I did not cause my son to be sick or have to get all these tests done but in my head, and heart I got the cold that got him sick.

But my son is Amazing, and he is Amazing because of God. He has brought so much joy and happiness into our lives especially with everything that happened in June. While listening to this song, I realized that even though I did give CMV to Seth so far he has beaten all odd. According to his neurologist I got CMV during the first trimester or second because of how extensive his brain calcifications are. So according to Dr. Bernes he should not be alive or he should be mentally handicapped and obviously he is neither right now, and if anything he should not have weighted 9 pounds at birth. As Lisa says he is the baby that shouldn't be. He is our little miracle and we are so blessed that he is in our lives.

I am not going to say that I wont struggle with this anymore because I would be lying if I said that. But I do know that God is faithful and His mercies are new every morning. I have had amazing people walking through this with me and I have no idea where I would be without them. Thanks Lisa for everything and being there when I needed you and not judging me for how I was feeling or acting. Calling me everyday asking how I was doing and making sure that I was okay. You have been there for me since I found out I was pregnant and you were there through all the trials that we have had during the pregnancy and after his was born. You're my "HERO" :) Thank you to everyone who has been praying for our family and offering to help us out in so many ways. While on vacation I had someone tell me that every time she hold Seth she just prays and to me that she could not give a better gift than that, and Dani, thanks for all of your prayers and all of the offers to help or bring dinner.

My Amazing little boy...

"Amazing"

The morning cold and raining,

dark before the dawn did come

How long in twilight waiting

longing for the rising sun

ohoh ohoh

You came like crashing thunder

breaking through these walls of stone

You came with wide eyed wonder

into all this great unknown

ohoh ohoh

Hush now don't you be afraid

I promise you I'll always stay

I'll never be that far away

I'm right here with you

You're so amazing you shine like the stars

You're so amazing the beauty you are

You came blazing right into my heart

You're so amazing you are...

You are

You came from heaven shining

Breath of God still flows from you

The beating heart inside me

Crumbled at this one so new

ohoh ohoh

No matter where or how far you wander

For a thousand years or longer

I will always be there for you

Right here with you

You're so amazing you shine like the stars

You're so amazing the beauty you are

You came blazing right into my heart

You're so amazing you are...

I hope your tears are few and fast

I hope your dreams come true and last

I hope you find love that goes on and on and on

I hope you wish on every star

I hope you never fall too far

I hope this world can see how wonderful you are

You're so amazing you shine like the stars

You're so amazing the beauty you are

You came blazing right into my heart

You're so amazing...

You're so amazing you shine like the stars

You're so amazing the beauty you are

You came blazing right into my heart

You're so amazing you are...

You are

Now idea what he is doing with his eye

Checking out his sister

Such a big boy

He is still unsure about her :)

She really does love her brother

Sydney watching Max and Ruby