10 weeks...and some other things.

Well first off my little baby boy is 10 weeks today. I have no idea where the time went but man did has it gone by fast. He is able to sit in his bumbo seat for a little bit and then I think he gets a little tired and his little head starts falling. Last night he slept from 8pm until 5:20am so far thats the best he has done. He is already in 3-6 month clothing and really closer to the 6 month end than the 3 month. Last week he weighted 13.9 pounds.

Last Thursday we left to go to the Happiest Place on Earth...DISNEYLAND. We brought my parents along to watch Seth so that Mike and I could take Sydney on the rides. The last time we went I was 6 months pregnant and it was not that enjoyable. Thursday it was a long drive but both of the kids ended up doing okay. We got to the hotel and got some dinner and I put Seth and Sydney to bed around 8:00pm and Mike and I were able to go to Disneyland and go on a few rides ourselves. We also hit up the Disney store to look for some Nemo toys that we have not been able to find and guess what? We found them and Sydney was so excited. We actually got her some other things that we have not shown her cause we are going to save them for her birthday. Friday we headed to Disneyland with my mom while my dad stayed in the room with Seth. Sydney got to do so many rides because the park was not that busy that morning. We went on the teacups, buzz light-year, the rockets twice, the carousel, dumbo, and its a small world. She had so much fun. We went back to the room and put the kids down for naps and Mike and I got to go to the park again for a little bit. Friday Mike and I looked and looked for Mary P. so that I could get a picture for Lisa but she never showed up and we ended up looking in all the stores for something and there was NOTHING. So we asked someone and they said...your in luck, tomorrow Julie Andrews will be here signing a lithograph of Mary P. I was so excited. I woke up Saturday morning a year older and not too excited about it. Actually this birthday was kinda depressing because I am starting to feel old, but anyways we got up and went to the room around 7:45am and then by 9:00am we were able to buy our pictures we got two, one for us and one for Lisa. We had to be back at that same room no later than 1pm so we went to Disneyland for a few hours with the whole family and I got my Happy Birthday Pin and we rode a few rides and then Mike and I headed to get our pictures signed. She was such a nice lady and I love her voice :) Mike and I really did not do much the rest of the day. We all went out to dinner that night and Mike and my mom told the waiter that it was my birthday so I think 4 people came out with some ice cream and sang which was really embarrassing plus I had just gotten Seth to fall asleep and of course they woke him up :) Sunday we came home. It was a long drive but both kids did okay. Seth just wanted out of his car seat but there was not much I could do about that. We only stopped once to eat lunch other than that it was a straight shot. That night Lisa and Matt stopped by so that I could give her the gift that we got. I am pretty sure by her reaction that she loved it. I was dying to tell her the second we found out but I think I did pretty good. 1 full day of holding that secret in was killing me.

So today was a bad day. It was just really rough emotionally and I am drained. The pain is deep and it's a huge hole that o have to dig myself out of but only with the help of God and of others will joy come. Tomorrow the developmental specialist come to the house so we will see what they have to say. Maybe I will have a better understanding on how this is going to work and what it all entails. I sometimes wish that I could just pause my life so I could get myself together and have a game plan but that's not possible. My goal is to have the best plan that I can have for Seth. Please pray that my thoughts don't overwhelm me like they did today. It was bad.

First off...

I am not perfect, I never have and I will never be perfect that was left for Jesus and only Him. But this is my blog. This is about me and my family. I sin everyday and I have issues with worry, guilt, and fear. I use this blog as my journal and express my feelings, my thoughts, my worries, my fears, my sin, but also the everyday things we do as a family or fun events in our lives. I was going to make this private but I have decided to leave it public. There are have been a lot of people that I was not aware of reading my blog and I don't want them not to be able to share it with others as well. So if you do want to know what going on in our lives and read about my/our good days, and bad days, the battles that my family and I will be fighting, the eventful days than you are more than welcome but if you do not want to read about the good, the bad, and everything that comes along with it than don't go any further.

Last week I jumped into a "new place" as Lisa put it. It is a lot harder than I thought it would be, to the point that I am constantly in a state of worry. I have to pray every time I worry just to get it out of my head and let me tell you its a LOT.

Last Wednesday I had to take Seth into the Hematologist where they checked his platelet count and checked out an ultrasound of his liver and spleen. His liver has gotten back to normal size but the spleen is still enlarged. The Dr. also informed me that the virus CMV goes into the bone marrow. I never knew this or read about it. So driving home I called Lisa and talked about it and then got home and started looking on the computer about c(congenital)CMV. And it really scared me. I feel that there has been so much that people(Doctors) failed to tell us about this virus. If you want information go to www.stopcmv.com there is just way too much to list. Here are two of the biggest things that caught my eye and really made me realize that this is way bigger than we have been told.

*Congenital CMV is one of the leading causes of cerebral palsy, the leading cause of non-hereditary deafness, and the second leading cause of mental retardation behind Down Syndrome.

*Infants who contract CMV in utero are at serious risk for brain malformations, which can lead to the developmental disabilities mentioned above, as well as blindness, feeding disorders, behavior disorders, seizures, even death.

This month is crazy busy with quite a few appointments. So if you think about it could you please pray that all these things go well and I don't worry too much about it.

This week: Developmental specialists and a Dr. appointment where Seth will get the rest of his 2 month shots we will talk about seizures, muscle spasms, and muscle twitches. Since we believe Seth has been having something going on
September 9 We meet with the Cardiologist and they will do an echo on his heart to check on the holes that he has
September 14 He will have a test run called VCUG for his kidney reflux
September 21 He has a neurologist appointment where the brain calcifications will be looked at further and He also has a urologist appointment.

I have been struggling with worrying about losing my little boy. And I understand that no one knows what is going to happen to their kids so I just need to take it one day at a time but it has been eating me up inside. Some days are really good and I tend to not think about it too much and then other days I just don't want to face the day. I don't want to see my little boy in pain. For right now I just have to understand in my HEART and my MIND that I did not do this to him and Seth created perfectly by GOD.

FRIENDSHIP...

You give and take away, blessed be Your name. (This is something hard for me to grasp right now but yet so true. God puts things in our lives and He can take away at any moment.)

I had an incredibly rough night last night and I ended up emailing Lisa to just lay my heart out and it was something that was very personal but at the same time very emotional for me. I thought that if I would email her that it would feel like a brick was lifted off my chest but I woke up this morning feeling the same way and started to cry. I read her response to my email and it made me cry. She let me pour out my worst fears and never once did she judge them. Instead she was waiting for me to express them. She has been on the journey with me since Seth was born well since the day I found out I was pregnant. To Seth she is "Aunt Lisa" (well to Sydney too) and besides my husband she is the only one that I can say truly understands my fears. I have dumped so much stuff on her since June and I have poured out my heart and she never threw scripture at me but instead when I needed to hear it would tell me in a loving way and by no means stomping on my feelings. She gave me time to sort through everything and come to things on my own. She just said when I'm ready to hash it out she will be here and she has been.

I am amazed everyday how God works! This friendship has God written all over it and that is the best thing ever!

UTI...

I hate the letters U T I especially when they are all together UTI. Seth this morning started throwing up and has a temp. so off to the doctors we shall go. Please if you think about it, pray for my little guy that we are able to be sent home and not have to go into the hospital. This will be his second one since he has been born. Oh the joys of kidney reflux!

Growing and Growing...

Seth is 8 weeks and 3 days today and on August 22 he will be 2 months. I have NO idea where the time goes but it just flies by, and I am not sure if I like it. He is already so big weighing about 12.7 pounds and man can this boy eat. He takes in about 6 oz every feeding. Seth has always been good at holding his head up he just does it a lot more now. He is starting to stay awake for longer periods of time and we got a few nights where he slept all the way through but lately he wakes up once around 2 or 3am and then goes back to bed till about 8:30am so I really can not complain about his night time sleep. In the late afternoon and evening he still has his fussy time and we try to just walk around with him or give him a bath. Sometimes nothing helps him so we just let him cry it out. Here are a few pictures of him at 8 weeks.

He loves the flash.

Whats up?

Holding Sydney's finger :)

She just can't help but be next to him, he thinks she is crazy!

Sydney is getting so big too. I can not believe in 3 short months my little girl is going to be turning 3. Right now she is in LOVE with Nemo and has been for at least 6 months. I really want it to continue so that Lisa can make her a Nemo cake for her birthday. Mike and I just bought Nemo stickers to decorate her room with and she is going to be so excited I am not sure she will sleep the first night :) She is starting to talk a lot more and the pacifier is out of her mouth a lot more so thats a good start. She has gotten over the middle of the night wake up asking for a drink and is amazing about not getting out of her bed until we come and get her. Here are a few pictures of Syd:

Sydney playing in her room at grandma's

Dad helping her ride her bike

Sydney and Joe playing with the rocks and flowers

Grandma with her 3 grandkids

Averie, Sydney, and Seth

Missin the man...

Well this morning my husband left for a business trip to Lincoln and he will be gone till Wednesday. He left so early this morning that I don't even remember saying good bye to him. This will be the first time that I have been by myself with two kids for more than 24 hours since Seth was born. Mike also mentioned last night that this will be the first time that we have been apart from each other since his dad has passed away. I think everything will be fine while he is gone its just Mike normally gets up in the morning with Sydney so I will just have to do that and this morning it was a little rough because she woke up right after I fed Seth and I so wanted to go back to bed. Anyways, while Mike is gone I will probably get bored after the kids go to bed so yesterday I got a few movies that I can watch to keep myself entertained :) Tuesday night is planned with Lisa and the kids can all play together.

Also August 27-30 we are going to Disneyland with the whole family. We are bringing my dad along too so he can watch Seth while we take Sydney to the park. And of course he will be able to watch Sydney so that just Mike and I can go to the park and have some fun. Mike wants to start going to Disneyland once a year because he loved doing that with his dad and he thinks it will be something that we can always do. This year the only downfall is that I will be one year older while I am there and I am really not looking forward to that!

My son is...AMAZING!

Last night I could not get my little guy to fall asleep so I got my laptop and listened to some music with him laying on my chest. This song from my playlist came on called "Amazing" and I just started listening to the words and crying, not just a tear but the tears, snot, and uncontrollable sobs. Since Seth was born I have been struggling with guilt and for right now I can't say that it still wont haunt me but for the first time I can say with really understanding what I'm saying is "GOD allowed this to happen to my son and to me." I was so mad at God when I found out something could be wrong with Seth, plus what happened to John I could not understand what God was trying to teach me, or my family for that matter. I was mad that I went through two miscarriages and then I have a beautiful baby and he is sick. I was mad that he took Mikes dad right before we had Seth. But in the end this is Gods plan and I had to work through it and it has been a long, hard process. I have to be honest here for a moment which is hard because to me it is admitting that I failed as a parent but for the first few weeks of Seth's life I could not enjoy him and fall in love with him because I was so guilty for getting him sick. For not being able to realize that I had a cold and get myself into the doctor to get myself checked out. I was apologizing to Seth every time I held him, telling him I'm sorry for what I caused him and for the unknown. I would talk with friends and Mike and no matter what I said I could not get them to understand what I was going through and what I was feeling. No matter what they would say to me I still felt it was my fault. I talked with Lisa a lot about all of this stuff and crying and venting about how I was feeling, thinking that would help release the guilt but it never did. She would tell me over and over again how wrong I was but it didn't matter I still felt like I was the worst mom in the world. I wanted to believe her so much I wanted to really feel like I did not cause my son to be sick or have to get all these tests done but in my head, and heart I got the cold that got him sick.

But my son is Amazing, and he is Amazing because of God. He has brought so much joy and happiness into our lives especially with everything that happened in June. While listening to this song, I realized that even though I did give CMV to Seth so far he has beaten all odd. According to his neurologist I got CMV during the first trimester or second because of how extensive his brain calcifications are. So according to Dr. Bernes he should not be alive or he should be mentally handicapped and obviously he is neither right now, and if anything he should not have weighted 9 pounds at birth. As Lisa says he is the baby that shouldn't be. He is our little miracle and we are so blessed that he is in our lives.

I am not going to say that I wont struggle with this anymore because I would be lying if I said that. But I do know that God is faithful and His mercies are new every morning. I have had amazing people walking through this with me and I have no idea where I would be without them. Thanks Lisa for everything and being there when I needed you and not judging me for how I was feeling or acting. Calling me everyday asking how I was doing and making sure that I was okay. You have been there for me since I found out I was pregnant and you were there through all the trials that we have had during the pregnancy and after his was born. You're my "HERO" :) Thank you to everyone who has been praying for our family and offering to help us out in so many ways. While on vacation I had someone tell me that every time she hold Seth she just prays and to me that she could not give a better gift than that, and Dani, thanks for all of your prayers and all of the offers to help or bring dinner.

My Amazing little boy...

"Amazing"

The morning cold and raining,

dark before the dawn did come

How long in twilight waiting

longing for the rising sun

ohoh ohoh

You came like crashing thunder

breaking through these walls of stone

You came with wide eyed wonder

into all this great unknown

ohoh ohoh

Hush now don't you be afraid

I promise you I'll always stay

I'll never be that far away

I'm right here with you

You're so amazing you shine like the stars

You're so amazing the beauty you are

You came blazing right into my heart

You're so amazing you are...

You are

You came from heaven shining

Breath of God still flows from you

The beating heart inside me

Crumbled at this one so new

ohoh ohoh

No matter where or how far you wander

For a thousand years or longer

I will always be there for you

Right here with you

You're so amazing you shine like the stars

You're so amazing the beauty you are

You came blazing right into my heart

You're so amazing you are...

I hope your tears are few and fast

I hope your dreams come true and last

I hope you find love that goes on and on and on

I hope you wish on every star

I hope you never fall too far

I hope this world can see how wonderful you are

You're so amazing you shine like the stars

You're so amazing the beauty you are

You came blazing right into my heart

You're so amazing...

You're so amazing you shine like the stars

You're so amazing the beauty you are

You came blazing right into my heart

You're so amazing you are...

You are

Now idea what he is doing with his eye

Checking out his sister

Such a big boy

He is still unsure about her :)

She really does love her brother

Sydney watching Max and Ruby

Between You and Me...

I have absolutely no patience, none what so ever. I feel like I am in a different body and have no control over myself. I feel like I have not slept in days when I just got 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I am completely unmotivated and that is just not like me. 

Its 6:40am and my day has begun...

7 Weeks!

Where does the time go?

Seth was 7 weeks on Monday and I can not believe how big he is getting. He went to the doctor yesterday for a check up after vacation and he weighs 12 pounds 7 ounces. He is not such a little guy. I guess I don't expect him to be that little after being a 9 pound baby. He is starting to understand when its time for bed. Monday and Tuesday night he slept what I call all the way through the night. He went to bed both nights at 9pm and on Monday woke up at 6am and then this morning woke up at 5am and he is not even up for morning yet. He will nurse and then go back to bed till about 8 or 8:30am. So I can not really complain about sleep even though it seems that I am not getting any. I feel more tired than I have been in a long time.

Getting a bath

He loves his baths

All Clean

Enough of the pictures...I'm cold!

Palm Springs 2009

Friday July 31st we left for a week long vacation to Palm Springs. We got the car pack and were ready to leave by 12pm. We went with the MacCallum's, Finney's, and the Sherman's. I can not say that the car ride with a 5 week old who hates his car seat is really much fun. He cried majority of the way there in between some bottle feedings and a two stops to stretch which is when I would get him out and hold him and of course he would stop crying that instant. Sydney did great the way there. She watched her favorite show right now which is Max and Ruby, and ate lots of snacks.

We all seemed to have a great time. Everyday the kids got to go swimming and I dont think I ever realized how good Sydney can swim, she really surprised me. A typical day while we were there was waking up, hanging out on the patio and Sydney playing with the MacCallum kids and feeding the ducks. Around 10am Mike would take her down to the pool where she would swim and have lunch and then about 1:30pm head back to the room for a nap. I would get Seth to sleep and then Lisa and I would go down to the pool and have some girl time until it was time for us to get dinner ready or my husband would call me to help him out with the kiddos. We would then all have dinner together in someone's room and then the kids would play until it was time for bed. Some of the nights us adults would have a game night. I think it only happened twice but they were a lot of fun. Cranium and Curses are not too much fun for me but I loved watching everyone else :)

We had such a great time and it was a much needed time away from life for us and of course a great time with friends. Here are pictures of our vacation!

Oh goodness, goggles were the death of me on this trip...these are too big but I had to get a pic

My little fish

She would swim all day if I let her

My little muffin

"What up yo?" (thats for Lisa :)

Friends and the pool and lovin it!

Lisa and Ezra...he hate the pool

This kid melts my heart!

This is one of my favorite pictures. I love daddy's with their little ones.

Mike and Topher

Matt acting like Matt!

The kids having fun at the street fair!

On Monday while we were on vacation Seth was 6 weeks!