VACATION!!

So we are leaving today for a wonderful week long vacation in Palm Springs!!

It will be a great time with some great friends!

See you in a week with some pictures.

3 more days!

Well first off only 4 more days until we go on vacation to Palm Springs. I cannot wait to finally get away from the craziness of life and just spend time with family and friends. We leave this Friday and I have not even started getting things together which I really need to do, but I actually have no motivation at all to get things together. I did not travel with Sydney until she was six months old and it was to Chicago to visit my cousin who went out and got anything that I would need while I was there, like diaper, so that I did not have to pack it. This time it's not that easy so we should find that out soon. The past few days I have been pretty unmotivated which does not help when you are going on vacation in a few days and you like to have a clean house to come home too. So I really have to get busy cleaning and packing!

The past few days I have really been struggling. Struggling with thoughts, emotions, and a few other things. I don't feel that's it's necessary to go into details but I can give a slight overview ;) I look at my little boy and could not love him anymore than I do but I also wonder about the other two babies that I lost and what they would have looked like, and how much I wish that I could have been able to hold them. I know that if I would not have lost those two then I would not have Seth but I get really emotional thinking about them. I know that might sound weird and strange but I'm dealing with the emotional side of that. Also just the everyday life of the unknown with Seth. This weekend was hard for me just not sleeping very much and making sure we were able to keep Seth out of the hospital. It gets physically and emotionally draining but I am trying really hard to take it one day at a time. I know there was nothing I could have done from keeping Seth from getting a UTI he has such bad reflux it's just so hard to see you baby not feel well and then get poked with needles and catheters. I pray that his surgery will come quick so that we don't have to deal with another UTI. He is one strong little boy that has been through so much in his first month of life but God is getting us through and I will keep trying to put my strength and energy in Him but I sometimes fail and I'm really trying to work on that. Also just trying to deal with the everyday thoughts that have been consuming my life. This is one of my biggest struggles. I think way too much and I let them consume me and I everyday I have to remind myself to give my thoughts to God but lately with the stuff that Mike and I have been through I have been asking why? Not in a bad way just I guess trying to figure out what I should be learning from these trials but I know God is faithful and I will rest in that!

Vacation in 3 days! It can't come soon enough ;)

Hate it!

So last night Seth started getting a fever and throwing up so I knew that I was going to have to get him into the doctor today. Sure enough he has a UTI and praise the Lord doctor Seitter did not send us to the hospital. If Seth does not get better over the next 24 hours then we are going to have to go in. At the doctor today they first bagged him and got some urine and then decided to get a cleaner sample so they did a catheter. After that they drew some blood and then gave him a shot of antibiotics and sent me home with a prescription for a stronger antibiotic because what he was on before was not doing it. The only thing that really got me upset was that amoxicillin is not a strong antibiotic it is more for a general use but they gave it to him and look what happened he got one anyways! So as long as he keeps fluids down and does not get a high fever we can stay out of the hospital.

I am just going to vent here a little bit...I hate drama thats really all I want to say. I have not been in high school for almost 10 years and I really never thought that at 26 years old I would be dealing with drama again but here I am dealing with it. So thats my little venting session!

A week from today we are going to PALM SPRING and I can not wait to get away from everything and just have some fun with great friends!

1 Month...and some other things.

First off, I got to see Harry Potter and the half blood prince thanks to Lisa and Matt. They watched Sydney and Seth for us so that we could go. Seth hasn't been the easiest baby since we have been home from the hospital, so I did not want to give them a horrible baby to watch but yet I am the most comfortable leaving Seth with Lisa because she had Ezra who was not the easiest baby in the world and she loves my kids so there is really nothing better than that. Thanks guys so much for watching them for us.

Well we are officially moved into our new house, well rental house until we find the perfect house that we would like to buy. We got all moved in on Thursday and spent Friday and some of Saturday unpacking. We are still not done but we are getting close. We love our new place, we have 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, 2 car garage, kitchen space and a backyard for the dog and Sydney, who loves to play outside. We have a blow-up pool for her out back which she is in every day. It took her a little while to get use to the fact that this was her new home but now I am pretty sure she loves it.

On Saturday we had a Birthday Party to go to for Logan's 3rd Birthday. It was at Bounce U and it was Sydney's first time going. She normally loves to jump but I am not sure what her problem was that day. I had a little bit of an issue with Seth, the bottle that I brought for him did not have a hole in the nipple so he was not able to take the bottle which really irritated me, so I ended up having to nurse in public which is something that is really hard for me to do but I had to get over that really quick. That night Matt and Mike went out and then played guitar hero so Lisa came over and hung out with me and we looked at some old pictures and just hung out. I love just being able to hang out and relax sometimes :) My parents came out on Sunday and got to see our house and the were not thrilled about how far out it is but they did like the house itself so in the end everything was good.

On Wednesday my little guy was ONE month already! How quickly time flies. The first week home was pretty rough since I really had no idea why he was crying all the time. I remember calling Lisa one night at 9pm asking what she did with Ezra when he cried all the time. I already knew what she was going to say but at least she was able to talk to me and relate with me. He is doing pretty good now that we got him into the chiropractor. He started Saturday sleeping really good chunks of time for me. Basically he goes to bed around 9pm and wakes up at 3am to eat and then sleeps till about 6am ready to eat again. Seth could eat all the time if we let him but that does not quite work when you are nursing and have a 2 year old.

Thursday Sydney has her first dentist appointment and Lisa is going to watch Seth for me while I take her. We have a hard time brushing her top two teeth. First off they are so close together that I can barely floss between them, second she we have to hold her hands so we can brush there. All her other teeth we can brush no problem so I just need to get her in and if there is a cavity in between those 2 teeth we can get it fixed. I am really not sure how Thursday is going to be but lets hope its not too bad.

Seth's first bath at home!

Seth One month old already...Sleeping of course!

The 4th and other things...

I finally got some pictures but really did not take very many on the 4th of July. For the 4th we went over to Lisa's parents to hang out and swim and have some good food. The kids swam like crazy and had a great time. Lisa and I were able to hang out and talk and I actually had a lot of people wanting to hold Seth so I kinda got a break which was nice too. This was Seth's first time out for a special event and he actually did pretty good besides throwing up all over "grandma" Patti's couch which Lisa cleaned up for me. It was a great time and very much needed break from the real world. Here are two pictures of some of the kids hanging out...

Sydney, Topher, and Lorelai

Sydney and Topher (buddies)

The first few days home with Seth went pretty good. He was waking up once in the night pretty much giving me 4-5 hours of sleep and then about Tuesday it all changed and he is pretty much up majority of the day and pretty cranky. He wants to constantly nurse which is very different from Sydney. Syd would eat every three hours and then at night she would give me 4-5 hours of sleep but Seth wants to eat every 2 hours and sometimes he doesn't wait that long. I am starting to think that eating is not what he wants that just the way he is comforted so tomorrow (Monday) I am going to try and get him into the chiropractor before his neurologist appointment. If any of you guys think of it could you please be praying for the appointment tomorrow especially for me because I am starting to worry about it and I know there is nothing that I can do about it so I just need some prayer to get through tomorrow.

Tomorrow my little guy is already going to be 3 weeks old. I can not believe how fast its going. The weird thing is that we have not even had him home with us for two weeks so to me it really does not seem like he is already 3 weeks old. Sydney has started to show us that she actually cares about her little brother and when he is NOT crying she actually wants to hold him. When he does cry she goes up to him where ever he is and says "baby no crying" and she will say that until he stops or you ask her to stop.

Hanging out in his swing

Sydney and Seth

Sydney outside playing with bubbles

My crazy cave girl without a shirt on and crazy hair, in her car.

Some new news is that we finally found a rental and we signed the lease yesterday and we will get the keys by Wednesday! We decided to rent for about 6 months to a year until we can get all of Mike's dads things settled and focus on all the things that are going to come up with Seth before we buy a house. After our lease is up we will start looking to buy a house that we can hopefully stay in for many years. We are moving out to Queen Creek because for us right now its the best fit. Our rental is a 4 bedroom 2 bath and is totally huge to us because we are coming from such a small place. So these next few days are going to be crazy for us. I have to get Seth into three doctor appointments and get the house packed because we want to be completely settled by the weekend. With Mike working I will try to pack as much as I can while the kids are behaving :)

Rough Day

Today I had a doctors appointment for Seth and I for some reason was really dreading it but really had no idea why I just did not want to go. His appointment was at 11am and Mike was going to come with me but instead he watched Sydney for me so I could just get in and out without a crazy two year old. The appointment itself was totally fine. Seth weights 9 pounds 7 ounces and is now 22 inches, so growing is not an issue for this little guy. And Dr. Seitter was very excited to see Seth and wanted to call this weekend to check up on him but decided to be patient and wait till Monday and it made me actually feel good to see someone care so much about my little guy. But after talking to Dr. Seitter I just realized that this journey is not going to be easy and actually it made me start to panic a little bit. I never thought that this journey with everything that has happened since he was born was going to be easy but today just verified that for me. Dr. Seitter wants to see Seth back next week and then right before we go on vacation which is July 31st. Also in between now and the 31st I have to get into the hematologist and the urologist, plus the weekly visits from the developmental pediatricians that will come by the house. So I am just feeling a little overwhelmed and am actually having a little anxiety over it. It just seems like my new life has just began. Don't get me wrong here I love my son and I will do anything for him I'm just beyond overwhelmed. And I know that I need to take one day at a time and not look too far ahead but my mind does not work that way so I really need to focus on that and not the big picture.

My best friend emailed me about somethings that I was struggling with and I have been really trying hard to work on those things but it seems like I FAIL every single day! This morning I got so frustrated with myself and actually very upset because there are just some things that I can not seem to get over and I go back to square one, or I have a really good day and then the next one not so much! I just feel like I finally get my head above the water and then someone takes their hand and pushes me back down and I have to start all over to get back up. It has just been a really long journey and the funny thing is, it just started.

Seth is my little miracle that should have never been, but sometimes I do not understand the way God teaches us things and it might take me a while to understand what I should be truly gaining from this experience but maybe one day I will see it. Maybe one day I will have a friend that is going through this very same thing and I will be there for them. Anyways I always remember certain songs especially if I am going through something good or bad and a song will play and I will remember it forever because it touches me well I heard this song the other day and just cried and well yeah thats about it :)

When God Ran

Almighty God, The Great I Am,

Immovable Rock, Omnipotent, Powerful,

Awesome Lord.

Victorious Warrior, Commanding King of Kings,

Mighty Conqueror and the only time,

The only time I ever saw him run,

Was when...

He ran to me,

He took me in His arms,

Held my head to His chest,

Said "My son's come home again!"

Lifted my face,

Wiped the tears from my eyes,

With forgiveness in His voice He said

"Son, do you know I still love You?"

He caught me By surprise, When God ran...

The day I left home,

I knew I'd broken His heart.

And I wondered then, if things could ever be the same.

Then one night,

I remembered His love for me.

And down that dusty road, ahead I could see,

It was the only time,

It was the only time I ever saw Him run.

And then...

He ran to me,

He took me in His arms,

Held my head to His chest,

Said "My son's come home again!"

Lifted my face,

Wiped the tears from my eyes,

With forgiveness in His voice He said

"Son, do you know I still love You?"

He caught me by surprise.

And He brought me to my knees.

When God ran... I saw Him run to me.

I was so ashamed, all alone, and so far away.

But now I know, that He's been waiting for this day...

I saw Him run to me,

He took me in His arms,

Held my head to his chest,

Said "My son's come home again!"

Lifted my face,

Wiped the tears from my eyes,

With forgiveness in His voice

I felt his love for me again.

He ran to me,

He took me in His arms,

Held my head to his chest,

Said "My son's come home again!"

Lifted my face,

Wiped the tears from my eyes,

With forgiveness in His voice

He said "Son"

He called me Son.

He said "Son, do you know I still love You?"

He ran to me (When God Ran)

(I saw Him run to me)

And then I ran to Him

(When God ran)

When God ran

Pictures!

I just wanted to post some pictures since I have been lacking in that area because I have not really had time to load some but now that my little guys is home and letting me get some things done I decided to do it. Seth came home yesterday (thursday) morning around 9:45am. It was so nice to finally leave that hospital. It has been a long 11 days. Sydney is starting to warm up to him but it has taken the whole 11 days :)

Delivery Day

Our family with Sydney sleeping at grandma's

Shortly after delivery, not too bad considering no epidural and Lisa got sprayed :)

Aunt Lisa

Seth John Asher

Daddy's little boy!

NICU Days

Grandpa and Seth

Grandma with Seth

Coming Home

Dad is so excited to leave the F pod

Jack with Seth

Seth with the animal dad bought for him.

9 days old.

So it has offically been 9 days since my little boy, well actually big boy was born. I can not even begin to describe to anyone how crazy this past week has been. Seth has been through so much in his few days of life and I can not even begin to describe to you how much I want my little guy home. He has offically been off oxygen since 10 am this morning so we are about half way there! I have been praying all day that they let him go home tomorrow. But for the first time I am actually scared to bring him home because I think I am actually scared of the unknown. I forgot to mention that they did an echo on him today so we should get the results back from that tomorrow.

Last night was a pretty rough night...I won't go into huge detail but we just had some run-ins with a few nurses/doctors at the hospital and basically someone telling me that the reason he is in the NICU is because of me. As if I myself don't carry enough guilt in this situation but I have a doctor telling me it's my fault. I have been trying really hard to give everything to the Lord through this whole thing especially Seth but for some reason I am really struggling with the guilt. I don't want the guilt anymore and I want him to take it away but I believe it's gonna be a process that I am going to have to go through. Most likely an everyday thing that I am going to be dealing with. Poor Lisa has been getting the majority of my emotional breakdowns but hopefully there won't be as many as time goes by.

Tonight I'm staying at the hospital with him especially because I hate knowing that he is alone.

Thanks everyone for keeping us and of course Serh in your prayers.