One Week

Well I can not believe that it has been one week since my precious little boy was born. I keep thinking about that day a week ago and actually am so blessed at how that day played out and everything that happened. I had a pretty easy labor until the last 45 min and the whole day went by quick and I had 2 amazing people with me when I was having him. I would not change a single thing that day!

This week has been really hard on me, like I have said in the past three posts :) I just think about my pregnancy and how much I just wanted to hold this little boy and that day finally came. I just never thought that he would be sick, and never in a million years did I think I would be the one that caused it. This guilt is haunting me and I really need to give it up to the Lord and I know that it will be an everyday battle but I know that I have to get to that point because I am already starting to shut down. I am striving to lean on the Lord through all of this but my flesh is interfering and in a few days it will be too late.

Nothing will change the love that I have for this little boy and he has already brought so much happiness into our lives. He is such a cutie! I just don't know who he is yet. I have not been able to spend the time that I would like with him, holding him, snuggling with him and just being his mom. It is so hard to be away from your child. I cannot express the whole in my heart because I do not have him home with me, and for the first time I can somewhat understand what it is like to have a child and not be able to bring them home because of a sickness or something like that. I know that one day soon Seth will be able to come home I just feel like I do not know my own child. Maybe God is trying to teach me that these are not my kids but rather His and He is allowing me to be their parents and what a wonderful gift that is but this is a really hard way to teach me, if that is what He is doing, but I really don't know I am just trying to wrap my head around it all.

Anyways I have been reading this verse over and over again and know that God made Seth just the way he should be its just so hard to get over the fact that even though he is perfect and wonderfully made I still have the guilt of getting him sick.

Psalm 139:13-16

For You formed my inward parts;

You wove me in my mother's womb.

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Wonderful are Your works,

And my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,

When I was made in secret,

And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;

And in Your book were all written

The days that were ordained for me,

When as yet there was not one of them.

NOT MUCH

I don't have much of an update. There are three unrelated things that are wrong with my little guy.

1) He is on Oxygen which is unrelated to the CMV virus and the one thing that is keeping him in the hospital.

2) He has kidney reflux, which is genetic and Sydney also had it. Sydney was a grade 2 (there are 5 levels) and she only had it in one kidney. Seth on the other had has it on both sides. One side is a 4 and the other is a 5. This also has nothing to do with the CMV virus and it is totally fixable. He will be on antibiotics so there will be no UTI for 3 months and then we will test again to see if the grade has dropped. If not they will go in a fix it and it is possible that it can be without surgery which would be nice.

3) He has CMV which we just have to make sure he is watched closely especially in the first year. He will have quite a few hearing and vision tests since that is the most common issue with CMV.

I am emotionally and physically drained and right now it feels like I have nothing left. Thanks everyone who has been praying for us and our family!

Another Update

So right now I am pretty emotional and if I sit down and think about my little boy I will go emotionally crazy again so I am going to keep this pretty short. Seth was confirmed today with the virus CMV. He got it while I was pregnant from me. That is the hardest thing for me...I got my little boy sick and right now no matter what people tell me I feel like there was something that I could have done to not get him sick. I know that there is no way of knowing that I had CMV especially when all the doctors tell me that there was nothing anyone could have done about it. About 60% of all adults have had CMV the thing is if you get it when you are pregnant. The plus to this is we know that if we decide to have more kids that there is no way to pass it along again.

We do not know what the future is going to hold for Seth. Right now he is a big boy which is a very good sign, eats well, poops, pees, and farts just like all babies do and of course sleeps. We just have to watch him especially in the first year of life. There might be some issues or there might not be any at all. He is perfect in our eyes no matter what its just really hard for me to deal with the guilt that I feel. Prayers are welcome :)

While I'm Waiting

I’m waiting

I’m waiting on You, Lord

And I am hopeful

I’m waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting

I will serve You

While I’m waiting

I will worship

While I’m waiting

I will not faint

I’ll be running the race

Even while I wait

I’m waiting

I’m waiting on You, Lord

And I am peaceful

I’m waiting on You, Lord

Though it’s not easy

But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

I will move ahead bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting

I will serve you

While I'm waiting

I will worship

While I'm waiting

I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait

I will move ahead bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

I will serve you

While I'm waiting

I will worship

While I'm waiting

I will not faint

I will serve You while I’m waiting

I will worship while I’m waiting

I will serve You while I’m waiting

I will worship while I’m waiting

I will serve You while I’m waiting

I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord

Update on Seth.

Alright so its been a long waiting game for us to really get some answers on what is wrong with our little guy. He has been in the NICU since Tuesday night and we are thinking maybe early next week he will be able to come home.

We found out this afternoon that Seth most likely got a virus called CMV and he got it from me. About 3 weeks ago I got a cold and the cold was (CMV) which is just a type of cold and I passed it to him. They know that I did not get it earlier because of how big he was. If I would have gotten it in my first or second trimester there would have been some growth issues as well, and we know he does not have a growing problem coming out at 9 pounds. Even if I would have known that I had CMV there is no way to treat a virus you just let it run its course.

They have been doing lots of blood work on him to see if the virus will grow but most likely since it has not grown then it has fully already ran its course and there is nothing we could do to stop it so our pediatrician (Dr. Seitter) said we just have to watch him super close especially during his developmental years of life. Yesterday he had an ultrasound done on his brain and it showed calcifications in his brain which is a sign on the CMV virus, so today they are doing an MRI on his head to make sure there is not extra fluid in the ventricles and also swelling of the brain tissue. If he does have the swelling and the fluid then they will have to put a shunt in is head. There are other side effects as well. neurological issues, hearing issues, and also some vision problems. There also might be issues with him and school when that time comes. He also may never have any of these issues and that is what we are praying for. Later today the neurologist will come and check him out as well as the opthomologist, and then a hearing test will be done as well. All of these tests could come back and there be nothing wrong with him at this time but Dr. Seitter did say he will be a kid that just has to get more things done that Sydney did not have to get done. There is no way of knowing what things are going to effect him and how severe. We something comes up that I think might be a little off for him then I just have to take him to Dr. Seitter and we either find out its nothing or we have to run a test.

So as of right now we are just praying that because it was so late in the pregnancy that it has very little effect on him or none at all. On the outside he is a very healthy kid who LOVES to eat. We are looking at him coming home possibly Monday but that might not happen so we just have to take one day at a time. Tonight he will actually be in his own room which is so nice because I can actually stay with him and just be with him!

Thanks everyone who has been praying for our little miracle, and more prayers are always welcome. I really have not had the time to process everything but it has been a really rough month and these past 4 days have been very hard on me.

Seth John Asher Marinello is HERE!

Well Monday morning at 6am I woke up to a wonderful contraction but really did not think much of it then 10 minutes later I had another one, and this went on for a while and they were not painful at all just a little annoying. I think somewhere in there I talked with Lisa (about 8am) and just gave her a heads up and also my mom just in case they got worse so that she know I would be sending Sydney her way. Lisa said to hop in the shower and see if the contractions lighten up and if they did I could assume it was false labor. So I got in the shower and...the contractions stayed the same.


9:15am - my dad stopped by the house to pick up a few things because he was going to go to his rental house and work on some stuff. We talked for a while and he hung out with Sydney and then said that he would come back around 12 and watch Sydney for us so that we could go to the bank. He left around 9:45am and the whole time I was totally fine, I had a few contractions but not painful at all...to the point that my dad had no idea I was even having them.


10:00am - they were getting around 8 minutes apart and some were still 10 min. so I still did not think I was in real labor. I cleaned up the kitchen and put a movie in for Sydney and just hung out.


11:00am - I called Lisa again to let her know that they were about 6-8 min apart but nothing unbearable and that I would call her later after Mike and I run some errands with Uncle Tom. Mike called around 11:30am on his way home from a meeting because we were going to go to the bank to deal with some of his dads things and I just gave him a heads up that maybe sometime tonight we might have to go to the hospital. So around 12 my dad came to watch Sydney while she took a nap and Mike and I headed out. We stopped by the apple store so that I could get a cover for my new phone and then we went and picked up uncle Tom. We got to the back at about 12:35 and we were there till about 3pm and during that time I had a few but nothing horrible or really nothing for me to think about.


2:00pm - I get a text from Lisa asking "going on?" I told her I was still at the bank and that they were about 6 min apart since 12:30 but that nothing had increased in pain so I was not worried.


3:45pm - We got home and I texted Lisa "how long would you stay home with contractions 6 min apart?" she said "forever, call me." so I called her around 4 she told me what our doctors policy is for going into the hospital because I did not want to go to triage and get sent home. She told me to call Dr. Seymann anyways and so I did and he said wait until they are 4-5 minutes apart.


6 pm - I call Lisa and tell her they are still 5 minutes apart, not lasting longer than a minute, not unbearable, but it hurts too much to walk. She says it might be time to go in, but I didn't want to. Mike and I were talking about what we think we should do. I was still able to function through every contraction and I really did not want to go to the hospital only to get sent home. Mike ended up making the decision that we would give Syd her bath and then take her to my parents and then go to the hospital from there.


6:45 pm - I text Lisa and say they are 2-3 minutes apart. I tell her I am going to give Sydney a bath and then take her to my parents' house, then head to the hospital from there. I told her I would call her once we leave my parents.


7:30pm - We head to my parents house to drop Sydney off with them. We hung out there for a while and Lisa said that she texted me but I had left my phone in the car so I did not get them.


8:05pm -  Mike and I head to the hospital and the way there I was having a few contractions that were really close together and then randomly it would be far apart. I still at this point thought that I was going to get sent home so I did not call Lisa yet.


8:22pm - We got to the hospital and I told Mike to leave our bag in the car because I was still convinced that we were going to be sent home. I got into triage and for the first time I really did not want to stand up during the contraction so I had Mike fill out the little registration paper and they took us to Triage 9 were I was told to get in the gown and wait for the nurse to arrive. Mike and I were hanging out in the room and I could hear this lady next to me having a really hard time with her contractions and doing the heavy breathing thing...and I remember telling Mike I was going to be sent home cause I was not in that much pain and she was getting sent home. While waiting for the nurse to come ask the questions and check me I was texting Lisa and she said that she was driving to the hospital and I really did not want her to come if I was going to be sent home but I am glad she was already close so I told her to come and hang out...there was another text in there but it basically said that I wanted an epidural :) The contractions were stronger but I could still talk through them plus we were still waiting for the nurse.


8:45pm - Lisa arrived to the triage room at the same time as the nurse, who at the time I did not think she was very nice but she ended up being great. She started asking me all the questions and then finally decided to hook up the monitors and check me. She checked me and started laughing and said, "we need to get you admitted you are 8cm with a bulging bag of waters." then checked again to be sure and said all I feel is your bag of water ready to burst. So she got 3 nurses who came in and said..."just putting some gloves on just in case we have to deliver this baby in the hallway" and thats when Lisa and Mike jumped up and got all of my stuff.


We made it to the room and as soon as we into the room I really wanted the epidural. There was one nurse Jennifer that kept telling me that if I get my IV and the fluid down then I can get one so she started to get ready for the IV. At this point I started to become really uncomfortable and felt nauseated, and of course ended up throwing up. I had another nurse who was super cute and great and her name was Jami and she checked me because I started feeling like I needed to push, she checked me and I was still an 8, but baby was super low. I remember Lisa coming by me and grabing my hand...hopfully I was not squeezing it too hard. Right after the nurse walked away Lisa and I heard a very loud pop and a gush - and I said "Oh, it just broke. I think it did"and from that point on all hell broke lose. The nurse Jennifer again said I could have an epidural if I could sit still but there was no way I was going to be able to sit without pushing and thats when Mike and Lisa both told me I am not going to be able to have an epidural so I had to get that out of my head. At this point all I wanted to do was push and I was told not too, let me tell you its not that easy :) plus they were waiting for a doctor to come. After the doctor arrived and got all set up I was able to finally push and it actually felt so much better to push rather than not. After a few short pushes out came Seth John Asher Marinello but Mike, Lisa, and the nurses did not get so lucky...they got sprayed with the "gush". After all was said and done I told everybody that I was sorry because to me I felt like I was screaming but they all said I wasn't so that was good :)


I had to stay in the room a little bit longer because they could not get my bleeding under control. Once they figured out the problem and fixed it they transfered me to my room. By this time it was about 1:45am and all I wanted to do was sleep but of course in hospitals that really never happens.

Here is Lisa taking a picture before I was really in pain!

Seth John Asher

9 pounds 1 ounce

21 inches long

6-22-09 @ 9:40pm

Holding Daddy's hand

Alright so this picture was taken of him in the NICU. He is in there right now for having some problems breathing and he also has an enlarged spleen which they are still running tests on him to figure out why. The main reasons for an enlarged spleen is an infection because your spleen is the biggest infection fighter, so they are doing lots of blood work to try and figure out what the cause is. We are praying that he can come home with us soon. It is so hard to come home from the hospital without your little baby. I will try and keep you guys updated when we find out any information. Right now I am just going back and forth so that I can nurse him when he needs it. Much love!

38 Weeks and 6 days...

Well not much has been happening in baby land. I went to the doctors on Tuesday and I was dilated 1 cm and he stripped my membranes and I went from 1 to a 2. On Wednesday I started losing my mucus plug (not that everyone wants to know that :) and I believe I lost the rest this morning. I have been having contractions but they are not consistent enough to go in. But I will expect in a few days that we might be able to hold little Seth John in our arms.

This week has been a little bit crazy...Mike and I met with a mortgage attorney on Monday to try and figure out to do with our house and then also we met with a probate attorney on Tuesday to get all of his dads things settled. Even though it has only been 2 weeks since his dad died the process to try and get things settled has been emotionally draining. Mike and I never thought that we would be doing stuff like this at 26 years old. But Mike and I have gained a lot of knowledge from this and we know that it is not an option for us to have a will or a trust. So that is one thing when this settles a little bit that we are going to do. We are going to have two little kids and if anything every happens to us both we need to have sometime because I do not want my little ones to go through stuff that could be avoided.

This weekend we are having a garage sale to get rid of some of his dads things and also our stuff so that we can start packing and finding a place to either rent or buy. As much as this garage sale is to just get rid of the little things in his dads house I expect that it could be very difficult. If you think of it please pray for Mike especially on Saturday when things of his dad could just be sold for nothing. I could not imagine but I think it would be very hard. Mike lived in that house for 12 years with his dad and nothing changed. There has to be so many memories that flood through your head and I know I can not give him the strength that our Father can so when you think of it please pray. Thanks :)

Well thanks everyone for all your offers to help us out and I just wanted you all to know that your prayers are greatly appreciated and definitely felt during this time.

Much LOVE!!

A really rough and hard week...

A week of shock, surprise, and quite honestly devastation. I really can not describe the emotions of this past week to anyone except Mike because he really understands it. It has been a really rough week and someday we will understand why we went through this but right now all we know is that it happened and John is gone. Thursday night I had no idea what to expect from Mike. I sent Sydney to my parents house to spend the night so that she would not get confused about what is going on and why there is so much emotion in the house. I normally at this stage in the pregnancy take a benadryl at night to sleep and I have not wanted to just in case Mike wakes up and needs someone to talk to or just cry with but he has been doing really well. He has his moments and sometimes he wants to be alone and other times he wants someone there with him. A funny thing that happened last week was Friday he came home from his dads house and he said that he wanted to buy something...well he actually wanted to buy Sydney a nemo (clown fish) because she is obsessed with nemo. Little did he know that a clown fish is a salt water fish. So we go to pets mart and he starts to ask about the fish and they guy goes into detail about what you have to do with salt water fish. Let me tell you, its not easy, and Mike starts taking Sydney to the beta fish and saying here is a cute fish lets get this one. And in the end she did not care and the name of the fish is Nemo.

Last Friday and Saturday we spent the days going through all the stuff that we had to get done. We went to the funeral home and got all of that settled and then tried to meet with Central Christian Church to figure out the service time but that could not be done till Monday. Sunday I made sure that we just stayed home and tried to relax as much as we could. Under the circumstances it was hard but Mike and his Uncle Tom were able to get out and go see a movie which I think they needed and then we all went out for dinner together. Monday we met with the pastor of Central and found out that the service was going to be Thursday at 10:30am so we knew that we were going to have the viewing on Wednesday at 3pm. So after that meeting we started having a few things fall into place. Monday night Sydney went to my parents house for the night so that Mike and I could go through somethings without having a crazy two year old running around and driving us crazy :) (She actually has been amazing this past week and at times I think she knows something was going on and would actually either be really emotional or just give out free hugs)

Tuesday was a day of running around and getting things in order and of course family came into town so we had Sydney go over to Lisa's house and play with her kiddos so that we could go out with Mike's 3 uncles and 1 aunt. We had a great time but the whole time we were there Mike and I were thinking, "man it would have been nice if we could have met them all while John was here and just wishing that John was having dinner with us."

Wednesday was the hardest day for Mike. For the past week he was unsure if he really even wanted to see his dad, he just wanted to remember him the last time we saw him and really I did too. But in the end Mike decided to go and see him and I went with him and that was one of the hardest things that I had to be a part of. I did it for my husband and I also am glad I did because while Mike was talking to him it made me realize a few things, and I can go into that another time. After the viewing we all went to a restaurant and actually had a really good time with our families and close friends. My mom was watching Sydney for us because we did not want her to be at the viewing and so she joined us for dinner and was actually really well behaved and had a great time. She spent a lot of time between my mom and Matt. Normally she is pretty shy around Matt but that night she just wanted to hang out with him. We had a great end to a really hard day so I am very thankful for that.

Thursday we had the memorial service for John and even though it was hard it was actually very, very nice. John's brothers got to say something and a few friends and Mike had the music picked out which for me was the tear jerker parts. I cried during all the songs just because I know how much his dad meant to him and the words just tore my heart out. We had a little reception afterwards were we could eat and talk with others and it was a really nice time spent together.

Over the past week I have had a lot of time to think about things and just watch as Mike goes through one of the toughest things he has ever had to face so far in his life. I have spent a lot of time especially last Thursday and Friday really angry with John and wondering why this had to happen. I know the biblical answers...God either causes or allows things to happen but this was just thrown at us and it is really hard to understand. In the end I don't think we will ever understand why this happened but I do need to forgive him and go through that whole process. I love my husband and it is really hard to see him go through all of this pain and suffering but I know that he has set his sights on God and is striving to rely on him and it is really encouraging to watch how much he has grown over the last week. But I do sometimes wish that we did not have to go through all of this especially right now. I know that God does not give us more than we can handle so that is comforting especially with a little boy on the way. I really wish that John would be here the day that Seth is born. I would have loved for him to meet Seth and see what a wonderful little miracle his is. But we are just going to have to tell him about his grandfather and all of the wonderful things that he did and how great of a dad he was to Mike. Anyways that's enough for tonight :) Thanks for listening and also a big thanks for those of you who have been praying for our family during this really rough time, it has been greatly appreciated.

Memorial Service

The memorial service for John Marinello will be held this Thursday June 11, 2009 at 10:30am at Central Christian Church in Mesa. Anyone who would like to come and attend the celebration of his life is more than welcome. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us and helping out our family during this very hard time. 

John C. Marinello

October 17, 1957 - June 4, 2009

With you in your Dreams

If I'm gone when you wake up
Please don't cry
And if I'm gone when you wake up
It's not goodbye
Don't look back at
this time as a time
Of heartbreak and distress
Remember me, remember me
'Cause I'll be with
you in your dreams
Oh I'll be with you, oh oh

But If I'm gone when you wake up
Please don't cry
And if I'm gone when you wake up
It's not goodbye
Don't look back at this time
As a time of heartbreak and distress
Remember me, remember me
'Cause I'll be with
you in your dreams

Oh oh

Don't cry, I'm with you
Don't cry, I'm by your side
Don't cry, I'm with you
Don't cry, I'm by your side

And though my flesh is gone, whoa
I'll still be with you at all times
And although my body's gone, oh
I'll still be there to
comfort you at all times

Oh oh

But If I'm gone when you wake up
Please don't cry
And if I'm gone when you wake up
Dont ask why
Don't look back at this time
As a time of heartbreak and distress
Remember me, remember me
'Cause I'll be with you
I'll be with you in your dreams

Oh, I'll be with you
Oh
I'll be with you in your dreams
I'll be with you
I'll be with you

I don't want you to cry and weep, oh
I want you to go on living your life
I'm not sleeping an endless sleep, oh
'Cause in your heart
You have all of our good times
Oh, all of our good times
Oh oh you have

And if I'm gone when you wake up
Please dont sigh
Don't look back at this time
As a time of heartbreak and distress
Remember me, remember me
'Cause I'll be with
you in your dreams

Oh
I'll be with you in your dreams
I'll be with you
Oh
I'll be with you
I'll be with you in your dreams
I'll be with you in your dreams...

The Day we wish never Happened...

Thursday morning when I posted my last blog I had no idea what my day would be turning into. Never in our wildest dreams did we think that Michael's dad was struggling as much as he really was but in the end it was too much for him and his life was tragically over Thursday afternoon. I will never forget June 4 2009 in my entire life. I got the phone call from Mike that his dad was in the hospital at 1:03pm while out with my friend Dani. Dani took Sydney for me and then Lisa and I went down to the hospital. (Matt, Lisa's husband and Mike's boss was already with Mike) I was told by about 1:30pm that Mike's dad did not make it and I was so calm it was weird but still I was not at the hospital. I had no idea trying to get a two year old taken care of at the last minute can sometimes make you not think about anything else. 

When I got to the hospital and found my husband he was a mess and it was one of the hardest things to do. He just lost his Daddy, and nothing will bring him back. It is never easy to loose someone that close to you but I think the hardest part was that Wednesday night we went out with his dad John, and his brother Tom. And everything seemed great and we watched John play with Sydney at dinner and just have a wonderful time. Never did we think the next day would be what it was. 

Lately I have been going through the emotions of being really sad, and then very upset about what he did. I look at Michael and just see how much he is hurting and it breaks my heart and I wish that his dad could see how much he is hurting. I also see Mike and then see John in Michael and I will start crying just cause. I think in my head...John could have been around for 30-40 more years God willing and could have spent that time with his son and grand-daughter, and grand-son on the way. But God knew that Thursday June 4 2009 would be his last day on Earth, and regardless of the situation God either causes or allows things to happen and I believe he allowed this to happen for a reason and that reason we may never know until we are in the presence of the Lord. 

I have been trying really hard to stay calm in all of this so that our little boy is not born when Mike would not be able to handle it. But I know that if this little guy is going to come he will come. I am emotionally drained and I have Michael who tells me that I need to be strong for him and that is something really hard for me to do in my pregnant state. I am trying to comfort him but when he cries I naturally cry and that's hard for him. I can not describe to anyone how the last two days have been. Yesterday I think for me was worse than Thursday but Michael is just so emotionally drained that I don't think he can sometimes even think clearly. All he wanted to do last night was call his "daddy" and talk to him but he couldn't.

Please pray for us in this time and that God will heal us and strengthen us through the next few months. Father's Day is going to be really hard and the birth of our son is going to be especially hard on Mike, plus everything else that goes on through all of this. 

By the way our son's name is going to be Seth John Asher Marinello, and we love it.

HEAD DOWN!

Well yesterday I had a doctor appointment and we found out that he is head down and that is great news for me :) I am 36 weeks and 5 days pregnant so my doctor said anytime is fine with him and well earlier the better for me! I am now at the point where sleeping is not going so well, I'm really tired, my feet hurt and are alway swollen, and I just want to hold this little boy in my arms asap! 

Yesterday before my appointment my friends Lisa, Debbie and I went to a place with our children (there are 7 kids between the 3 of us) to make something for Father's Day and to say the least it went pretty well at least for me. I think if you ask Lisa she will say differently. 

Sydney is in LOVE with the swimming pool and a few days ago we went to my moms house and she got to play in a play pool. And on Monday we went to Lisa's moms' house to swim and she loves to be in the pool and would be in the pool all the time if you let her. We got her this thing called a puddle jumper and she can be in the pool with this thing without me holding her. Its AMAZING! Here are a few pictures of Sydney swimming with grandma at her house.

Sydney jumping...what else is new!

In the pool with grandma.

Best Buddies!

I hope that everyone has a great week and I will keep everyone updated if our little man decides to show up early! It would be nice if he would but I am going to have to say that he might be a little stubborn like Sydney.