James 1:2-3

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials,
knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance."

This verse has been haunting me all week. Not the verse itself but when people use this verse in the wrong context. God tells us to consider it pure joy when we go through trials, that doesn't mean have to be joyful in the midst of them. I do not think I know any Christian who says, "Bring on the trials Lord so I can show you I have joy." I am speaking for myself here when I say that I really do not have Joy in the trial that I am going through right now but I can tell you that I have JOY knowing that I am being tested and my faith will be stronger once I get through this trial. I have JOY knowing that when God gets me thought this heart aching trial, with His strength, that I will have been plucked, pruned, and shaped to be formed closer to the person that God wants me to be. But knowing all of this still does not stop the pain that I feel in my heart and even the anger that I sometimes have at the situation that I am in. I would be a liar if I told you that I am happy for what happened because I am not and I think what happened totally sucks and it is heart wrenching but with His strength I can get through this. My Father will comfort me and in that I find my peace and Joy. 

I have had a rough week but God has given me my husband to help me through this and Mike has been amazing the last few days. Even though he will never know how I am feeling or what I am feeling He will never leave me and will always be by my side. But God, being the perfect God that He is, also knew that I would need more than Mike in my life so He brought someone else in my life at the most perfect time. She has been through this same thing and knows all the mixed emotions that come and go and has been there for me in ways that I could not have ever imagined and not having that first time God knew I needed it the second time around. Something that she said to me was " Know that when you don't have the strength to pray, I'm praying for you." At that moment knowing that I was so angry and could not go to God she was able to do it for me. I am in awe at the way God has the body of believers work and how when one is down there is someone there trying to pick the other up.

By no means is this trial going to get easier in a week but soon the days will get easier, so I have been told :) But I just have to remember that God will not give me anything that I can not handle without Him. So prayers are welcomed, and Thanks to those that have been praying!

Soccer

Every Sunday Mike and I go and play indoor soccer. Normally my parents watch Sydney while we play soccer either at our house or if it is a late game then they take her to their house and she spends the night. Last Sunday we needed more players so we got my dad to come and play which meant that my mom needed to watch Sydney. We brought her to the game and my mom watched her there. She was not a very happy baby she just wanted me so my mom took her outside and she said that Sydney cried the whole game. It was a little weird playing with my whole family. I am the only one that played soccer my whole life and played a little in college but Mike, Steven, and my dad do the best that they can :) Here are a few pictures from last Sunday.

Michael, Me, and my brother Steven.

Steven, Jeff (my dad), Me, and Sydney

Our little family!

We ended up winning that game but tonights game Mike said that they lost, but thats okay we will win next Sunday. 

Broken

I am falling apart, I am barely breathing but in His name I find healing. I am still hear waiting wondering what He is trying to teach me. How do I keep going on? With a broken heart that's still beating, in the pain is there healing? I have no idea what else to do but I'm holding on to You! I'm hanging on another day just to see what You will throw my way. I'm hanging on to the words You say, You say that I will be okay! Please let me hold on to You! I feel like you left me but others assure me that You are here for me to lean on you.

Jack-Jack

Mike’s mom got us a dog for our birthday’s and the place where she got him called him Jack so we just kept the name. He is a really cute dog and so nice and gentle and more important Sydney loves him. The down side to the new addition to our family is he is not potty trained and we have the smallest backyard you could ever imagine. So we have been really working on getting him to go outside and do his thing. The cutest thing ever is that Sydney and Jack act like brothers and sisters. They fight over toys and where they both want to lay down and Jack tries to take her food, so to say the least everyday I laugh at the two of them fighting over something.
This weekend was pretty uneventful. Saturday we were suppose to go to a friends wedding in Sedona and my parents were suppose to watch Sydney for us, but Mike woke up with a really bad headache and it was not going away by the time that I wanted to leave...so we ended up not going. The wedding was at 4 and we were going to stay the night up there but I really did not want to do all of that by myself. I heard from Kelly that the wedding was wonderful and they had so much fun! Sorry Chad for not making it to your special day :) Later that evening Mike started feeling better so my mom and dad watched Sydney while she slept and we got to go see the movie Wallie. I really had no idea what to expect but I really liked the movie it was so cute and great for kids if they are old enough.
Sunday we did not make it to our normally Sunday morning service and we had a soccer game in the afternoon so we did not make it to church. Sydney went down for a nap around 12 and was still sleeping at 3:30 so I had to wake her because we had a soccer game at 5 I thought but it was really not till 5:45. Normally my dad watches Sydney every Sunday and Mike and I go play soccer but this time we needed him to play so we brought Sydney to the game and had my mom watch her. Sydney did horrible and I think it was cause she could see me all the time and all she wanted was for me to hold her. (plus it did not help that I had to wake her up from her nap...we normally don’t mess with her naps cause she will be cranky the rest of the day) So for the first time my mom saw that Sydney is not always a sweet little angel. My mom thinks that Sydney an do no wrong and I am so glad that she saw a different side of her :)

With Love

Alone

Ever had one of those days where you are surrounded by family and friends but no matter who you talk you still feel like you are alone. I had one of those days yesterday, and man did it stink. Michael is the best thing that has ever happened to me but I sometimes forget that Michael can not fix everything and he can not meet all my expectations he is human and in the end the only one that can be there for me is God. I was emailing someone last night and she told me that in times when we are alone God is the only one that will ALWAYS listen and we can always lean on HIM even though there are times when we don’t think we “need” to. I find myself not needing to lean on God when I should be doing that every day!
When I had my m/c I had a few people that I could talk to like Mike, but that did not stop how I was feeling, Why did this happen when I wanted another baby so bad? What did I do wrong? Those kind of thoughts went through my head all the time and they still do. In those 13 weeks I felt so attached to that baby that it is hard for me to understand why it was taken away. But there is a reason but I just don't know it yet. God is and was teaching me something and he is the one that gives and takes away!
So feeling alone has been something that I have been dealing with since March and I might have this struggle for a while but maybe one day God will just take it away, so that is something that I will continue to pray for.

Discipline

DISCIPLINE is such a hard thing for me, especially when I have this cute little girl that melts my heart every time I look at her. I know that she is a sinner and that we as godly parents need to discipline her but I just wish it was not so hard. I have been reading a book called “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” and it is really helpful and a great resource and I am learning a ton about kids. Especially that I am not trying to just discipline but also have a change in heart.
Mike and I invested in a “rod” and so far it has been working and we just have to remember to be consistent all the time! Sydney is a great and funny kid but she is also one of the most stubborn kids I know and the hard thing is that I can be just as stubborn as her so sometimes we will go head to head and she is only 1 I can not imagine what it will be like when she is older if we do not get this under control now :)

I also love how God disciplines us and sometimes it is not fun...well it is never fun but man do I grow from it every time. I love how He is the example of discipline in our lives and that no matter what I do there is nothing that is too much for Him, and there is nothing that will keep Him from loving His children.

Hugs and kisses...more later :)

Here is Sydney playing in the sink

Going back to being a baby again.

Playing on our bed!

Craziness

Well, this has been one crazy week. Monday and Tuesday Sydney was just not acting like herself, she whined all the time and just wanted to be held. On Wednesday we got up and she felt a little warm but we had to be at the church by 8:15 a.m so I took her temp and she was not warm enough for me not to go to work so out the door we went. (Every Wednesday’s I help out at the church from 8:30-12:15 and Sydney gets to go into her own class) We got to the church and found out which room I needed to be in so I went to drop Syd off into her room. On the way there I did not see the puddle that I stepped in, and I was wearing flip-flops...so I fell and went straight on my knees and of course I had to be holding Syd. I tried everything in my power to hold her up and I did that by I could not keep her from swinging forward and she did just that and hit her head on a wall. So by this point she was not happy with me at all, then I had to drop her off to her class which got her even more upset with me. The rest of the day was rough because I could not get her fever down and get her comfortable.
Thursday morning I got her into the Dr. and she ended up having an ear infection which explains the fevers and why she was such a cranky pants. So Thursday we just spent the day at home chilling.
Friday, MY BIRTHDAY! I turned 26 years old and let me tell you I actually feel old :) I had a great day just hanging out with my hubby and little sick girl. Mike got me a lime green watch and some basketball shorts which I love to wear so that was great! My brother got me a cool green picture frame that he made at a place called “as you wish” which I love and will put a picture of the three of us in as soon as I get one. My mom and dad got me a Dyson vacuum cleaner, a green DVD player, frying pan, and some other kitchen stuff. Mike’s mom actually got us both something since Mike’s birthday is just 4 days after mine. She got us a little dog named Jack-Jack. We all love him especially Sydney. My parents watched Sydney so we could go out just the two of us. So I got to eat at Joe’s BBQ for free since it was my birthday, and then we came home and watched and movie and went to bed. The only down fall to the wonderful day was that our little sweet pea did not feel good.
Saturday I got to have a birthday dinner with my family which was really nice, we went to Nandos and they had the waiters bring me some ice-cream and sing to me which was a little embarrassing. And again Sydney was still not feeling well and also had a fever.
Sunday, which is today we just hung out at home and tried to get our little girl to feel a little bit better. She still has a slight fever and is still a little cranky but we have to give her a little break :)

Tomorrow Mike has the day off from work for the holiday so we should have some fun together as a family and then Tuesday is his BIRTHDAY! So I have some planning to do for his wonderful day!

Hugs and Kisses from us all!