Rough Day

Today I had a doctors appointment for Seth and I for some reason was really dreading it but really had no idea why I just did not want to go. His appointment was at 11am and Mike was going to come with me but instead he watched Sydney for me so I could just get in and out without a crazy two year old. The appointment itself was totally fine. Seth weights 9 pounds 7 ounces and is now 22 inches, so growing is not an issue for this little guy. And Dr. Seitter was very excited to see Seth and wanted to call this weekend to check up on him but decided to be patient and wait till Monday and it made me actually feel good to see someone care so much about my little guy. But after talking to Dr. Seitter I just realized that this journey is not going to be easy and actually it made me start to panic a little bit. I never thought that this journey with everything that has happened since he was born was going to be easy but today just verified that for me. Dr. Seitter wants to see Seth back next week and then right before we go on vacation which is July 31st. Also in between now and the 31st I have to get into the hematologist and the urologist, plus the weekly visits from the developmental pediatricians that will come by the house. So I am just feeling a little overwhelmed and am actually having a little anxiety over it. It just seems like my new life has just began. Don't get me wrong here I love my son and I will do anything for him I'm just beyond overwhelmed. And I know that I need to take one day at a time and not look too far ahead but my mind does not work that way so I really need to focus on that and not the big picture.

My best friend emailed me about somethings that I was struggling with and I have been really trying hard to work on those things but it seems like I FAIL every single day! This morning I got so frustrated with myself and actually very upset because there are just some things that I can not seem to get over and I go back to square one, or I have a really good day and then the next one not so much! I just feel like I finally get my head above the water and then someone takes their hand and pushes me back down and I have to start all over to get back up. It has just been a really long journey and the funny thing is, it just started.

Seth is my little miracle that should have never been, but sometimes I do not understand the way God teaches us things and it might take me a while to understand what I should be truly gaining from this experience but maybe one day I will see it. Maybe one day I will have a friend that is going through this very same thing and I will be there for them. Anyways I always remember certain songs especially if I am going through something good or bad and a song will play and I will remember it forever because it touches me well I heard this song the other day and just cried and well yeah thats about it :)

When God Ran

Almighty God, The Great I Am,

Immovable Rock, Omnipotent, Powerful,

Awesome Lord.

Victorious Warrior, Commanding King of Kings,

Mighty Conqueror and the only time,

The only time I ever saw him run,

Was when...

He ran to me,

He took me in His arms,

Held my head to His chest,

Said "My son's come home again!"

Lifted my face,

Wiped the tears from my eyes,

With forgiveness in His voice He said

"Son, do you know I still love You?"

He caught me By surprise, When God ran...

The day I left home,

I knew I'd broken His heart.

And I wondered then, if things could ever be the same.

Then one night,

I remembered His love for me.

And down that dusty road, ahead I could see,

It was the only time,

It was the only time I ever saw Him run.

And then...

He ran to me,

He took me in His arms,

Held my head to His chest,

Said "My son's come home again!"

Lifted my face,

Wiped the tears from my eyes,

With forgiveness in His voice He said

"Son, do you know I still love You?"

He caught me by surprise.

And He brought me to my knees.

When God ran... I saw Him run to me.

I was so ashamed, all alone, and so far away.

But now I know, that He's been waiting for this day...

I saw Him run to me,

He took me in His arms,

Held my head to his chest,

Said "My son's come home again!"

Lifted my face,

Wiped the tears from my eyes,

With forgiveness in His voice

I felt his love for me again.

He ran to me,

He took me in His arms,

Held my head to his chest,

Said "My son's come home again!"

Lifted my face,

Wiped the tears from my eyes,

With forgiveness in His voice

He said "Son"

He called me Son.

He said "Son, do you know I still love You?"

He ran to me (When God Ran)

(I saw Him run to me)

And then I ran to Him

(When God ran)

When God ran