I was in a state of devastation. I found out I was pregnant and not even 24 hours later I found out I was losing the baby. How could this be happening again? Why did I lose a baby at 13 weeks and then another one at 7 weeks? Why did I lose two babies in a row? I remember calling Lisa on the phone telling her, "I can't do this anymore!" She said I could and that I was not alone but man did I feel like my world was falling apart. All I wanted was my little baby. I thought that maybe since I only knew that I was pregnant for a day that it would be easier to handle the miscarriage but it wasn't. I barely got over the first miscarriage and then I have to do it all over again.
The rest of September was so hard for me but so was October. Somehow I got pregnant again and had no idea if I was really pregnant or if my hormones were still elevated after the miscarriage. I showed Mike that I was pregnant and then called Lisa asking her if this was at all possible. Sure enough I was pregnant and I was so excited but so completely scared at the same time. I did not want to tell anyone. I did not want to have to go back and telling people that we were no longer pregnant if I had another miscarriage, which is what I thought was going to happen because its happened before. But 9 months later I delivered the most beautiful little boy. Seth John Asher is my little miracle.
Today Seth is 13 weeks old and tomorrow he is going to be 3 months old. Man does time fly by so fast. Seth is already wearing 6-9 month clothes and sometimes 12 month clothing and it makes me sad. He is growing up so fast. It seems like just yesterday I was holding him in the hospital in awe that I was finally holding my baby boy.
This past week was great to be able to get away from life and not have a single DOCTOR appointment. My goodness I can not begin to tell you how good that felt. I was also able to have good conversations about my feelings, thoughts, and emotions about what I was dealing with involving Seth. I read things that really do not help my thoughts and sometimes I will get some anxiety and I truly felt it this past week. I had to take a break from real life for a few minutes to get myself together. I hold my baby boy and still think it was my fault sometimes. I hold him and pray that I would just be able to get one more day with him. I hold him sometimes thinking this could be my last time holding him. I want my thoughts to sometimes turn off but lately they have been going full blast. Just praying that they go away sooner rather than later.
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