Can I get a break?

Alright so I am beyond frustrated.

I do everything that I am suppose to do for this little boy and it seems like it is never enough. Seth has a fever again this morning and sure enough Dr. Seitter wanted to see him in his office this morning rather than the afternoon. So we went in at 10:25am and he ended up having another UTI. So he got an antibiotic shot and we had to wait there for 20 extra minutes to make sure he was not allergic. He was put on a strong antibiotic for 10 days and then we will try a different preventative one so that hopefully he wont get anymore. My issue is the urologists should just do the surgery so that every time he gets a fever I dont have to worry about doing damage to his kidneys, or being worried that they are going to admit him into the hospital because the infection got into the blood stream. After the Dr. I had a lactation appointment and we got some things figured out I think and heading home. Both kids fell asleep in the car and I did not want to wake them up to go into Target and get Seth's antibiotic filled so I am going to have to do that tonight before 8pm when it closes.

The VCUG test that we are having done on Seth's kidneys was suppose to be done this coming Monday but since he has a UTI we are most likely going to have to cancel that and make one for 6 weeks later. So again this is another thing that is frustrating me!

Today I was suppose to make Seth's hearing and vision appointments, schedule my 6 week OB check up (we are now at 11 weeks) laundry for Mike, and NONE of these things got done today. So that really frustrates me!

I ordered two things this week and none of them have come on time. I ordered diapers and wipes off of diapers.com and I made that order on Sunday and they did not get it to my house until today when it was suppose to be here Tuesday. I also ordered something off of Amazon and it now says it is not coming until the 14th so I am going to have to call which is not something that I wanted to add to my to-do list.

So to say the least today has not been that great of a day and I was actually looking forward to today as of yesterday because Lisa and I had a pretty good plan on what we were going to get done. We were going to go over there for lunch and Syd was going to nap over there while I took Seth to the lactation specialist and then head to our check-up with Dr. Seitter but instead things got changed around.

Busy, Busy, and more Busy!

Oh goodness...where to start?

This past week was busy helping Lisa get things ready for Ezra's First Birthday. So crazy to me that the adorable little Ezra is already 1. I watched the kiddos on Friday for her so that she could go looking for a cake, and I helped her make the palm trees for the cake. Let me tell you that was not the easiest thing to do, but they did turn out cute. Saturday was the party, it was a luau party and it was a blast. There was swimming, games, and great food and cake. Ezra has a little crab as a smash cake and he was covered in frosting and was so cute, even though it was bright red and all over. Kinda looked like a slasher film. It was so much fun and besides the fact that Sydney was crazy and Seth got sick that night it was a great time. I can not believe that Ezra is already one, times flies so quickly.

Today Seth had to go to the cardiologist for the two holes that are in his heart. He has a VSD and an ASD both were defects in the heart. The VSD which is the one that we thought was not going to close, closed on its own. The other one we are hoping it will close if not they will most likely do surgery to fix it. Tomorrow we go to the pediatrician and we are going to be talking about his muscle spasms that he has been having and I will for sure be bringing it up to the neurologist when we see him on the 21st of September.

Mike leaves this Friday for California for a big work conference. All the sales guys are going up two days early and hanging out at the beach and then Sunday going to Six Flags. The conference starts Monday and they should be done Wednesday if I remember right. So while they are gone Lisa and I are staying in Phoenix at a resort. We figured while the guys are away having some fun we should too. So we are checking in on Sunday and staying for a whole week! Its going to be great!

While we are away at the resort Seth needs to have a test run on his kidneys. Its called a VCUG and he has to get it done on Monday the 14th. I remember getting it done with Sydney but I have no idea how long it takes. I just know that his kidney reflux is way more severe than Sydney's was so I am hoping we can get it fixed so that I dont have to worry about UTI's anymore. Anytime Seth gets a fever thats the first thing that comes to my mind and I get so frustrated because in the hospital they said that the level his is at it will not correct itself. (He is at a level 5 on one side and 4 on the other. 5 is the worst.) Even my pediatrician wants to get it fixed but for some reason the urologist wants to wait a few years. So it is a little bit frustrating to me.

So the rest of this week is pretty busy with doctor appointments, watching the MacCallum kids while Matt and Lisa go celebrate their anniversary together without the kids, and packing for the fun week away. I am so excited to get away and have some much needed girl time and also just relax by the pool and hang out!

Doctor appointments are starting to weigh on me and I am getting really tired. Not physically but emotionally. They are just draining. So if you think about it please pray for patience and for me to not get emotionally drained every time I hear that I have to schedule a new appointment. So far I have wanted at least one specialist say...see ya! But I have not gotten it yet.

Pictures

10 Weeks old

 My little muffin

Hanging in the bumbo

He still might be too small for it :)

Here are a few Disneyland pictures...the rest I have not finished uploading or editing so when I get those done I will post them :) I also have to get the ones from my moms camera. She took majority of the pictures because she lets no one else take their own, and if we did she would get a little but upset.

Mike being his dorky self

Riding the teacups

One the Rocket with Sydney...she loved this ride!

Going on "Small World"

Masterpiece!

I am God's Original Masterpiece!

This video was on Facebook and man was it true for my life. I don't look at myself as Gods original Masterpiece, I guess I don't look at myself as a masterpiece at all. I hold on to so many things that God wants to take over control of them so that I am free. Free to worship HIM. He is the Gardener pruning His trees. It hurts and is not fun but in the end I will be the person God created me to be. I seem to be struggling with the same things lately but the days that are harder than others are the days that I do not wake up asking God to help me through the day.

Guilt has been the hardest for me lately. Knowing that I got the cold that got my little boy sick. But every morning I need to get out of bed, put my feet on the floor, and ask God to get me through the day with HIS strength because I do not have the strength to do it on my own. I did not get my little boy sick, CMV did it and really God is so much bigger than CMV.

My husband is the best gift that God has given me. He gave me someone that is strong with I am weak. We are a team and we need to work together as a team. These past few months (starting in June) I think we have not always worked as a team. I think guilt, grief, and pain have gotten in the way of relying on God first and then each other. I pray that God uses us for each other and that we can grow closer together especially in the next few months.

I might be a little biased but God gave me the gift of two of the most beautiful children. He gave me an adorable daughter with a big time attitude. She tests me every day with my patience and there are days that I fail misserably with her, and I need to apologize to her and it breaks my heart that I sometimes lose my cool with her. But she is an amazing, smart, gorgeous little girl whom I love with all my heart. And then there is Seth, I am still unsure about his personalily but he is a snuggle bug. I want to be able to look at my little boy and not blame myself. I want to enjoy him everyday because he is just going to get older. I dont want CMV to rule my life with him, I want God to rules our lives. Having a baby that might be sick has made me realize that these little miracles are gifts from GOD. He gave them to me to raise them up in the way of the LORD. He can take them away at anytime. I do not get to choose what is going to happen to them. There days are numbered just as mine and Mike's are. I need to cherish each day that I have with them! I have no idea what tomorrow holds, or next month, or the next few years for that matter. But I do know that this journey with Seth is not going to be an easy one. It will have the hard days and the amazing days and each day I need to wake up and ask God to be in control of my life and give everything to him!

I have my other issues. I need to give up my body image and my thoughts, and then things that I say when I should not! I need to give up the things that are holding me down. I need to give them to someone that can carry them because I was not meant to carry them. They are too much for me but they are not too much for GOD. He is waiting for me to give them up. He wants them all so that I can be free.

I AM GODS MASTERPIECE!

10 weeks...and some other things.

Well first off my little baby boy is 10 weeks today. I have no idea where the time went but man did has it gone by fast. He is able to sit in his bumbo seat for a little bit and then I think he gets a little tired and his little head starts falling. Last night he slept from 8pm until 5:20am so far thats the best he has done. He is already in 3-6 month clothing and really closer to the 6 month end than the 3 month. Last week he weighted 13.9 pounds.

Last Thursday we left to go to the Happiest Place on Earth...DISNEYLAND. We brought my parents along to watch Seth so that Mike and I could take Sydney on the rides. The last time we went I was 6 months pregnant and it was not that enjoyable. Thursday it was a long drive but both of the kids ended up doing okay. We got to the hotel and got some dinner and I put Seth and Sydney to bed around 8:00pm and Mike and I were able to go to Disneyland and go on a few rides ourselves. We also hit up the Disney store to look for some Nemo toys that we have not been able to find and guess what? We found them and Sydney was so excited. We actually got her some other things that we have not shown her cause we are going to save them for her birthday. Friday we headed to Disneyland with my mom while my dad stayed in the room with Seth. Sydney got to do so many rides because the park was not that busy that morning. We went on the teacups, buzz light-year, the rockets twice, the carousel, dumbo, and its a small world. She had so much fun. We went back to the room and put the kids down for naps and Mike and I got to go to the park again for a little bit. Friday Mike and I looked and looked for Mary P. so that I could get a picture for Lisa but she never showed up and we ended up looking in all the stores for something and there was NOTHING. So we asked someone and they said...your in luck, tomorrow Julie Andrews will be here signing a lithograph of Mary P. I was so excited. I woke up Saturday morning a year older and not too excited about it. Actually this birthday was kinda depressing because I am starting to feel old, but anyways we got up and went to the room around 7:45am and then by 9:00am we were able to buy our pictures we got two, one for us and one for Lisa. We had to be back at that same room no later than 1pm so we went to Disneyland for a few hours with the whole family and I got my Happy Birthday Pin and we rode a few rides and then Mike and I headed to get our pictures signed. She was such a nice lady and I love her voice :) Mike and I really did not do much the rest of the day. We all went out to dinner that night and Mike and my mom told the waiter that it was my birthday so I think 4 people came out with some ice cream and sang which was really embarrassing plus I had just gotten Seth to fall asleep and of course they woke him up :) Sunday we came home. It was a long drive but both kids did okay. Seth just wanted out of his car seat but there was not much I could do about that. We only stopped once to eat lunch other than that it was a straight shot. That night Lisa and Matt stopped by so that I could give her the gift that we got. I am pretty sure by her reaction that she loved it. I was dying to tell her the second we found out but I think I did pretty good. 1 full day of holding that secret in was killing me.

So today was a bad day. It was just really rough emotionally and I am drained. The pain is deep and it's a huge hole that o have to dig myself out of but only with the help of God and of others will joy come. Tomorrow the developmental specialist come to the house so we will see what they have to say. Maybe I will have a better understanding on how this is going to work and what it all entails. I sometimes wish that I could just pause my life so I could get myself together and have a game plan but that's not possible. My goal is to have the best plan that I can have for Seth. Please pray that my thoughts don't overwhelm me like they did today. It was bad.

First off...

I am not perfect, I never have and I will never be perfect that was left for Jesus and only Him. But this is my blog. This is about me and my family. I sin everyday and I have issues with worry, guilt, and fear. I use this blog as my journal and express my feelings, my thoughts, my worries, my fears, my sin, but also the everyday things we do as a family or fun events in our lives. I was going to make this private but I have decided to leave it public. There are have been a lot of people that I was not aware of reading my blog and I don't want them not to be able to share it with others as well. So if you do want to know what going on in our lives and read about my/our good days, and bad days, the battles that my family and I will be fighting, the eventful days than you are more than welcome but if you do not want to read about the good, the bad, and everything that comes along with it than don't go any further.

Last week I jumped into a "new place" as Lisa put it. It is a lot harder than I thought it would be, to the point that I am constantly in a state of worry. I have to pray every time I worry just to get it out of my head and let me tell you its a LOT.

Last Wednesday I had to take Seth into the Hematologist where they checked his platelet count and checked out an ultrasound of his liver and spleen. His liver has gotten back to normal size but the spleen is still enlarged. The Dr. also informed me that the virus CMV goes into the bone marrow. I never knew this or read about it. So driving home I called Lisa and talked about it and then got home and started looking on the computer about c(congenital)CMV. And it really scared me. I feel that there has been so much that people(Doctors) failed to tell us about this virus. If you want information go to www.stopcmv.com there is just way too much to list. Here are two of the biggest things that caught my eye and really made me realize that this is way bigger than we have been told.

*Congenital CMV is one of the leading causes of cerebral palsy, the leading cause of non-hereditary deafness, and the second leading cause of mental retardation behind Down Syndrome.

*Infants who contract CMV in utero are at serious risk for brain malformations, which can lead to the developmental disabilities mentioned above, as well as blindness, feeding disorders, behavior disorders, seizures, even death.

This month is crazy busy with quite a few appointments. So if you think about it could you please pray that all these things go well and I don't worry too much about it.

This week: Developmental specialists and a Dr. appointment where Seth will get the rest of his 2 month shots we will talk about seizures, muscle spasms, and muscle twitches. Since we believe Seth has been having something going on
September 9 We meet with the Cardiologist and they will do an echo on his heart to check on the holes that he has
September 14 He will have a test run called VCUG for his kidney reflux
September 21 He has a neurologist appointment where the brain calcifications will be looked at further and He also has a urologist appointment.

I have been struggling with worrying about losing my little boy. And I understand that no one knows what is going to happen to their kids so I just need to take it one day at a time but it has been eating me up inside. Some days are really good and I tend to not think about it too much and then other days I just don't want to face the day. I don't want to see my little boy in pain. For right now I just have to understand in my HEART and my MIND that I did not do this to him and Seth created perfectly by GOD.

FRIENDSHIP...

You give and take away, blessed be Your name. (This is something hard for me to grasp right now but yet so true. God puts things in our lives and He can take away at any moment.)

I had an incredibly rough night last night and I ended up emailing Lisa to just lay my heart out and it was something that was very personal but at the same time very emotional for me. I thought that if I would email her that it would feel like a brick was lifted off my chest but I woke up this morning feeling the same way and started to cry. I read her response to my email and it made me cry. She let me pour out my worst fears and never once did she judge them. Instead she was waiting for me to express them. She has been on the journey with me since Seth was born well since the day I found out I was pregnant. To Seth she is "Aunt Lisa" (well to Sydney too) and besides my husband she is the only one that I can say truly understands my fears. I have dumped so much stuff on her since June and I have poured out my heart and she never threw scripture at me but instead when I needed to hear it would tell me in a loving way and by no means stomping on my feelings. She gave me time to sort through everything and come to things on my own. She just said when I'm ready to hash it out she will be here and she has been.

I am amazed everyday how God works! This friendship has God written all over it and that is the best thing ever!